Paranoia..

Quotidian events which are typical in the mundane lives of ordinary people, leads me to a train of queer and anomalous thoughts. Apprehensive of my own speculations, I decided to pen them down. Petite incidents like forgetfulness or lack of attention in a long and irksome lecture make me wonder which genetic or chronic neurological disorder it may proclaim. Pursuing a highly demanding and intensive graduate program in Cellular & Molecular Neuroscience may or may not have enriched my academic proficiencies, but it surely has eroded my brain irreversibly and driven me towards partial insanity and hyper-paranoia.

I have often been audience to narrations of my programmer friends communicating by C or C++ and anecdotes about the discussions of my mates from the engineering precinct about the structure and design, the wiring and networking or every edifice or machine in their sight. As a biologist, I can ascertain that we are no different from any of them. Biologists also tend to perceive every minute element around them in the light of their acquired knowledge. They also harbor an ability to see ‘the unseen’ or read between the lines and jump to speculations in a flash. However such contemplations are not always constructive. Abstract and creative by nature, categorizing myself as an archetypal biologist was not a part of my anticipations for myself :)

Episodes of oblivion on barging into a room are not very rare. Although it is a hallmark of the elderly, the younger generation with a saturated mind also faces such peculiar situations once in a while. Most people would simply accentuate on the purpose and forget this incident. Whereas for someone like me, with a detailed awareness of all possible neurological and cognitive disorders it may denote, it is arduous to overlook all the attached strings. Such an incident inclines me to ponder if this is simply a result of profusion of the young minds or a syndrome of Dementia which would then make me prone to several other autoimmune diseases in the later stages of life. As I live in a multilingual surrounding and hardly have a chance to communicate in my mother tongue, at times it is onerous for me to articulate a homogeneously unilingual sentence. On such occasions, the initial thought that fleets through my mind is that maybe this is caused by Dysphasia. Apathetic feelings or depression which sometimes overwhelm my mind also lead to the thought if the momentary frustration and stress are responsible for such demeanor or if it is a symptom of premature Alzheimer’s Disease, Huntington’s Disease or Schizophrenia. Paraesthesia, fatigue or acute pain which maybe traits of minor infectious diseases or just a stressful lifestyle, leave me wondering if these are symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis, a prevalent autoimmune disease in the Western world. When I step outside the house and observe the world around me, I do not behold the beauty it encompasses but I emphasize on the gait and posture of the people around me. Any stooped posture or uneven gait that I observe, impels me to surmise if the person is a Parkinson patient or one on the advent towards the disease. Speculations over such introspections further lead me to think that maybe such delusions are a Schizophrenic symptom. Sporadic visual and auditory hallucinations, which ensue every now and then, also back these deliberations.

Nevertheless I am absolutely conscious that these contemplations are just frantic illusions of an ardent and transcendent mind. It is, therefore, aptly said that too much knowledge is injurious to health, mental health in my case. Perhaps ignorance is the best policy :)