Great Expectations

Dear Maa,

I know you must be very upset because I left. But you are not alone, you have Dada to take care of you. I am sure he will take very good care of you and Baba. I will not say sorry for leaving because I had to do this. You may think this is wrong but when you know my reasons, I am sure you will agree.

There are so many things I always wanted to tell you. But between work, Baba, the house and Dada, you never had the time. I know you love me Maa, I know you do.. and so does Baba. But how come I never see it or feel it.  Isn’t love a feeling?

Baba had told me several times that you scold me and ask me to do the things that I don’t want to because you want a better future for me. But you never told me that you loved me, like you said to Dada. So many times he had asked me to do well in my exams. But he never kissed me Goodluck, like he did to Dada. Numerous times he had explained how to kick the ball right. But he had never cheered for me, like he did for Dada.

Maybe I was never good enough for the Buck up Hug or the Goodluck Kiss.  Not maybe, I know I was not as good as Dada in all the things that Baba likes. But it is not that I do not try. I swear Maa, I had always tried my best to get good marks in Maths and to kick the ball right on the football ground. But somehow I could never get there. How I wish to get that one pat on the back from Baba. How I wished to hear those words of Baba “Don’t worry, You will do great next time”, just like he said to Dada after every football match that he lost. I guess he knew I wouldn’t.

I love to draw, and my violin teacher says I play really well too, even better than Dada. But he never had time to come to any of my recitals. How I wanted to see the happy look on his face when everyone clapped for me. But I never got a chance to see that. Maa.. I really really wanted to make Baba proud. I really really tried hard to make him proud. But Dada was always better at it.

I don’t know if Baba knows how hard I tried. But I want to believe that you know and understand my dilemma. I prayed to God everyday to help me make Baba proud. I prayed to show me a way to overcome my failures. But God never answered. Maybe he is too far away. So I decided to go closer and ask him. A friend had said that if I jumped off a tall building I would meet God. So I took his advice. It’s a long long way Maa, I do not know if I will be able to return soon. But one day for sure, I will come back with my answers. Then Baba would take me into his arms and kiss my forehead lovingly, just like in my dreams.

I hope you will wait for me.

Your loving son,

Ashish

PS: I did not write a letter to Baba because I knew he would not have the time to read one. But please convey my love to him.

~ · ~

Dear Dada,

You are the best brother anyone could ever have. I will never forget how supportive and understanding you have been, how you had help me overcome every difficulty I had and how you would hide my mistakes. I just wanted to thank you and tell you that I will always love you and look up to you.

Your loving brother,

Ashish

PS: Since I am going to be very close to God, I will ask him to help you win every football match you play. I know how much it means to you.

~ · ~

~ · ~

8th June 2008, Kolkata: “The Salt Lake area of Kolkata has gone into shock over the suicide of a eleven year old boy who jumped off the 14th floor of Lake View Apartment in the late afternoon of 8th June. According to the Police officials, investigation is underway. The boy was declared dead on site and the body will remain in Police custody until autopsy has been conducted. The boy was reported to be alone at home at the time of the incident. The parents and elder brother of the victim were reported to be in their respective workplace and educational institution at the time. The victim's distraught father stated that there was no apparent reason for the boy's suicide.

However, when Psychologists were asked to comment on this shocking tragedy, they were of the opinion that there must have been serious psychological pressure which compelled a 11 year old boy to take such a drastic step.”